


If Our Demons Cannot Dance, Neither Can We

by kjstark



Series: Two damaged people trying to heal each other (is love) [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22578574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjstark/pseuds/kjstark
Summary: "I don't wanna hurt you," Bucky typed."It's too fucking late for that," Rhodey replied.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/James "Rhodey" Rhodes
Series: Two damaged people trying to heal each other (is love) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624603
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	If Our Demons Cannot Dance, Neither Can We

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myheroesrbands](https://archiveofourown.org/users/myheroesrbands/gifts).



> I couldn't help myself, I had to write the proper, fluffy ending.

_"I will love every broken little jagged piece of you_   
_until you learn how to love them too."_

**—Nikita Gil**

Bucky spends the rest of the weekend avoiding Rhodey in the compound like the weak, coward that he is. It's a good thing he's well acostumed to this feeling of self-hatred and guilt. 

He deserves to feel like shit. He's always had. 

He's been contemplating the remaining of his miserable life, staring at nothingness in his room, when the phone chirps.

 **Rhodey** : we have to talk

 **You** : I don't wanna hurt you

 **Rhodey** : It's too fucking late for that

 **Rhodey** : I'm on the roof

Bucky locks the phone and stares at the ceiling. He's brought this on himself. Now he has to own up to it.

\--

He gets to the roof to find Rhodey sitting by the edge, his feet dangling in the air as Bucky breathes in the cold air.

"It's cold here," Bucky says, holding onto his arms.

"Well, sorry I can't control the weather," Rhodey spits, sipping on a drink.

Bucky feels heavy on his chest.

"You're drinking while sitting over the edge of a building, d'you think that's smart?" Bucky asks.

"I feel off a higher distance," Rhodey mutters.

"Rhodey, what the hell? Get off," Bucky goes and Rhodey turns, his face serious and his eyes nearly blood-shot.

Rhodey puts the drink down and gets off the edge without much preamble and Bucky swallows again.

"Relax, I'm not dramatic like that," Rhodey says and Bucky actually smiles at him. "Besides, I want you to look at me in the eyes when you break my heart. Properly. Like a man, not a coward," he says, turning serious again, pressing his tongue with the last sentence.

Bucky's eyes bore into his like a plea for mercy.

"Rhodey..."

"Did you think I was gonna let you off the hook, disappear without so much of an explanation?" Rhodey asks. "After all I've kept in for your benefit. After not pushing you into anything. Letting you go as it flows—"

"Rhodey," Bucky asks again, his eyes avoiding him.

"I don't do vague feelings, Bucky. I don't do emotional constipation," he cuts in. "I'm too fucking old for that," Rhodey adds.

"I'm not emotionally constipated," Bucky says, his eyes narrowing.

"Then what are you?!"

"Not enough!" Bucky shouts.

Rhodey's mouth zips and Bucky lets his eyes water.

"Rhodey— I'm not enough for you," he repeats, his voice almost breaking.

"Who says that?" Rhodey tries reaching for him, but Bucky steps back.

"I do."

Rhodey bites his lower lip and stuffs his hand into his jacket pockets. "Gee, thanks," he says in a dead beat. "Thanks for tearing apart the best thing's that's ever happened to me," he adds, walking past him, to go back in.

"You deserve better than me," Bucky mutters, trying to make him understand.

"No, fuck that!" Rhodey yells, turning back on him. "I've had people tell me I can't have what I want my whole life, Bucky! My _whole fucking_ _life_ ," he shouts, his eyes getting red. "So, no. You don't get to destroy what we had and call it a favor," he adds, breathing on his face.

Bucky looks at him helplessly. There's so much hurt on Rhodey's eyes that Bucky can bear.

"You don't get it— I have never had what I want in life. Not fully— not entirely," Rhodey says, his hands on his chest. "Not until you."

Bucky knows what that feels like.

"And now you're gonna stand here and tell me I don't deserve you?" Rhodey asks him, his brow furrowed. "Why? What exactly is so good about me that I don't deserve love?" he asks.

And that's it. There's not a single thing in his mind Bucky can say to deny Rhodey that he does.

Because he does. No one deserves love more than Rhodey does.

"I— I don't know if I can give you that," Bucky whispers, his tears rolling down his eyes.

Rhodey's face breaks into a smile, even though his eyes are filled with unshed tears. "You can, Bucky. You already have," he says, and he grabs Bucky's hands.

He's never cold for Rhodey. Rhodey's warmth doesn't let him be cold. Not even the arm. 

"How do you know?" Bucky asks, looking at their hands.

How can Rhodey know Bucky loves him with every little broken part of him if Bucky himself hadn't known?

Rhodey's lips curve on one side and he gives a kiss to Bucky's left hand, before he puts it on his face for Bucky to caress. "Because you don't have to say it for me to feel it," he says.

Bucky lets his hand —born out of and for pain and death— roll through Rhodey's cheek as the shorter man tilts his head into the touch.

"The way you love it's not in words, Bucky. It's in fleeting details," Rhodey shares. "In the 'take care's during missions, in the coffee cups you get me every day, in the way you stare at me in the night when you think I'm asleep," he says.

"Not staring, it's gazing," Bucky corrects in a mutter.

"It's kind of creepy," Rhodey says, squinting his eyes, and then he puts his hands on Bucky's face. "But it's you— all you, Bucky Barnes. Because despite all the things that happened to you, you're not what they made you believe you were. You never have been. Who you are it's not what they made you do. It never was."

Rhodey's brown eyes bore into his so deep, it's like all he's ever seen is Rhodey.

No pain, no torture.

Just Rhodey.

"So you deserve this," Rhodey says. "And I deserve this— so what are you going to do?"

Bucky smiles widely. "I have a few ideas, but I think I'm going to start with..."

And he kisses him nearly off-balance.

"You were drinking apple cider?" Bucky thinks aloud, licking his lips.

"Oh, yeah, Morgan's made me an addict," Rhodey says, excitedly.

Bucky rolls his eyes dramatically and holds Rhodey's waist tighter. "Jesus, my boyfriend's a nerd," he mutters, looking at Rhodey's lips.

"Boyfriend?" Rhodey says, turning serious.

"Hey— you were the one who said the L word, remember?" Bucky says.

Rhodey moves his head to one side. "Yeah, but...boyfriend is— kind of a lot," he says, like an asshole.

"Screw you," Bucky laughs, holding him tighter.

Rhodey smiles widely. "Sure, we can do that later."

* * *

"You don't love in words, either, you know," Bucky says, holding Rhodey's hand tight in his own after they're done paying respects for Stark. It's already been three years. 

Morgan's seven now but she still holds her hand up at him and Bucky still pretends he's scared. 

It's not redemption that he finds in her eyes —the eyes of her father— but it's something akin to that. 

He did two Starks wrong in the past; the third time has to be the charm. 

Rhodey turns to him with a questioning look but he knows what Bucky's talking about. 

"The way you love is not in words," he repeats and Rhodey frowns, but there's a smile on his face. "It's in clear actions. In the way you grip my hand when I feel like you should let go, how you rub my neck after a tough mission just for the sake of it 'cause you know I can't get sore— it's in the way you never shy away from what you think, from who you are," Bucky says. "You wear kindness like it's your skin, even though you've been hurt again and again." 

Rhodey looks down to their joined hands and lets out a soft laugh. He drags their hands up and places a kiss on top of Bucky's knuckles, right where the engagement ring is. 

"I would still do it all again," he says. 

Bucky scoffs. "You can't be that corny," he says.

Rhodey shakes his head. "No, I'm serious. Everything that's happened has shaped us into who we are. It's brought bad things, sure— also great things. But it's what's forged us," he adds, at last.

Bucky looks into his eyes. "So you wouldn't change a thing?" 

Rhodey's mouth curves down and he looks at the horizon ahead, at the quiet, greenish lake and softly goes: "Maybe just one thing." 

Bucky smiles softly, nostalgic and he leans down to rest his head on top of Rhodey's. "Yeah, just one thing."

He'd love to see them both, too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title's also from a Nikita Gil poem:
> 
> "I will not have you without the darkness that hides within you.  
> I will not let you have me without the madness that makes me.  
> If our demons cannot dance, neither can we."


End file.
